Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
the composer
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I am crying
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not