Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
estão todos miauvindo?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog