I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Risking my life for fun.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.