Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.