a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
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beware of dog
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you