You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Shark week, but for squirrels.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Rambo Rambow
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?