OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
When you can’t find your friend Neil
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.