A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed