That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
sigh
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Breaking news:
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.