QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Somebody’s lying.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”