[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.