a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.