I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard