The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀