Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this