“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Effort made
i wish i could marry a nap
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there