I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
me: my friends:
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?