When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
A woman drives into a bar.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?