The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.