When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
when dads have a rap battle
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
This forever.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Straight people are cancelled
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.