Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
couldn’t resist
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
good morning
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP