GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell