Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*