Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
3% human
97% stress
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.