Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.