Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You Might Also Like
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Think I pulled my liver