a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!