Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.