Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My blood type is b hungry.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.