Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.