jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
But wait…
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered