Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally