I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
#polloftheday
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.