Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*