The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.