My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.