bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Dune (2021)
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.