I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Name another movie that mislead you?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.