[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?