A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number