MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island