Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”