You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Why soy sad?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….