The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit