I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I finally found a reason to live again.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
you will never know the true number of layers
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.