Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.