Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
getting groceries
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car