When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.