okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.