People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
#oldknees
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Cat.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them